So many people ask how we went from “Just Us” to a family of four, so here it is! If you read The Story of Us Pt. 1 you’ve already got the beginning of this story so I will start from where we left off there. . .
When you have decided you’d like to expand your family through adoption you have a lot of tough decisions to make. First choice to make is whether you want to go through an infant adoption or adopt an older child from foster care. We went the foster care route so that is what we will cover here.
Why Foster Care?
This is the question we have been asked the most. People ask us why on earth we chose older kids who were affected by trauma. The short of it is this: they need families and are less likely to actually get them. We thought for a long time about how we would go about this decision. We initially thought about doing foster care and adopting only if a child became available.
Adoption became a better option for us for so many reasons. These reasons included wanting to provide long term stability and knowing that through foster care that would not be something we would have control over. We actually decided to choose adoption in the car one day on the way to IKEA. The discussion about who would best fit into the family drove us to think about how we were people who were able to accommodate a child with special needs. That day we made the decision we would adopt a child with special needs through the foster care system.
Where Do We Start??
We got started as soon as the decision was made. I worked in the dependency system in my county so we had to call around to see how we would go about getting our license. Our county was not able to license because of my job. For anyone else this part is super easy. All you need to do is call your local Community Based Care Agency (you can get this information from a basic Goggle Search of your area). When you call you will need to ask about whom to speak to about an adoptive parent information meeting. They will give you all the info you will need in order to take your next steps!
Get the Information
When you have the information, you will likely have an informational meeting about the need in your county and how you can get started. You will need to take the classes to get your license. Here we call the class PRIDE (Parent Resources for Information, Development, and Education). This is the set of classes that will be provided by the agency to prepare you for adopting a child or sibling group from foster care.
Now if I can get very real here, this class is the very beginning level of information and to be successful as an adoptive parent you will need so much more. You will need to complete the classes as well as the homework, to complete the class. Homework will include writing your life story,as well as possible written assignments. Participation in the classes is also incredibly important. ASK QUESTIONS!! If you feel the question can benefit the group, ask during class. If it is a personal question wait until after class, talk to the instructor or send an email. (Don’t be that person who makes everyone listen to your personal stuff, seriously they will hate you.)
After PRIDE
The home study will be coming next. This is the part most people fear the most. Don’t freak out! They are not looking for a perfect home that looks like something out of Better Homes and Garden Magazine!! The home study is a through examination of your home and family to ensure suitability to adopt. When the case worker is assigned to your home s/he will touch base with you to ensure you know what to expect and will answer any questions you have. ASK QUESTIONS! Make sure you know exactly what you need to do prior to your home study.
“The home study is a through examination of your home and family to ensure suitability to adopt”
For me, the most difficult part of the home study was how personal they will get with you. They asked about our childhoods, our past relationships, current marriage, our sex lives and literally everything in between. They will want to know who your support system is, what your neighbors think of you, what your plans for if you are a couple and you split up will be for the child(ren) and literally everything else you can imagine.
Extras during the Home study Process
At some point you will need to get your background checks, fingerprinting, and child abuse registry checks completed. You will also need references from friends, family, neighbors, employer, landlord (if you rent) and anyone else the case worker request from.
You will need to gather all documents on all pets you have including vaccine records, registration and vet records. If you have any reptiles the tank it lives in will need to be locked. There are also rules in every area about what types of pets are allowed in licensed homes. (We had no problems with 3 dogs, 2 cats, a pig and a ball python)
The Day of the Home Study
The home walk through is the easiest part. The caseworker will need to see your entire home. S/he will need to take pictures for the file. The room(s) you have designated for the child(ren) will be photographed as well. This does not mean you will need to have everything setup but you will need to show you have the room available. If you can get the beginnings set up, great, it is still OK if you don’t. If you intend on having a sibling group you will need to show you have the space for the amount of children you are interested in taking. Every area has different standard for space and room accommodations so you will want to find that out from your case worker.
Now comes the waiting. The case worker will now have to go through the filing process. S/he will have to type up the entire home study as well as gather any other information s/he will need. This will take at least a few weeks. The case worker lets you know when you are approved. Now the fun begins.
Making the Match
We were quick to jump on the match train. Actually, we had our eyes, and hearts, set on the twins prior to being licensed. Typically, once you get your approval is when families start to locate a match. You can go about this in several ways. Your case worker will have information about children who are available who may be a good match for your family. You can also view available children online.
We found the twins on the heart gallery through http://www.adoptflorida.org/ . If you are not in Florida you can also check out https://www.adoptuskids.org/ . My suggestion would be to stay local if you can. We had to work with three sets of case workers: our adoption case worker, the case worker in the county the boys came from and the out of county case worker (which is what they call the worker who is local to the children and working with them where they are). It was exhausting to be honest.
When you pick a child, or sibling group the match process will begin. If you are picking a child from one of the online pages, you will contact the worker identified to move forward with the process. If your worker identifies a child or sibling group you will have the option if you want to move forward with that opportunity. Once the match is chosen you will have the opportunity to review the file of the child(ren). Then you can meet with the child’s team. You will then be able to decide if you would like to move forward with the match.
So You’ve Made the Match!
Congrats! You have chosen the child(ren) who will hopefully be joining your family! Once the team has agreed you are a great match for this child an introduction will be made. Every plan will be very different. The plan will depend on the age, attachment, special needs and desires of the child(ren). It will have input from all major team players. The team may include any of the following: the caseworker, caseworker supervisor, Guardian Ad Litem/CASA, therapist, current caregiver/foster parents, behavior specialist, and any other person involved with the child(ren).
A visitation plan will be drawn up. Then it will have to be approved by the court prior to any major moves. Again each plan is different but will follow similar routes: supervised visitation, unsupervised visitation, overnights, weekends and transition to moving in. Some visitation will begin having to be supervised by a therapist or behavior specialist. This is typically if the child has special needs or concerns. Some will be supervised by the case worker of foster parent. The process will move forward as needed by the child(ren) and your preferences.
Everyone is Ready to Move In!
Once you go through visitation planning and everyone has decided it is time you will plan for transition to moving home. The judge will have to sign off on the change of placement so it will be planned ahead of time. Make sure you have all your services lined up to continue as normally as possible during this transition! This is an incredibly exciting time for all of you but it is also terrifying. Having as much stay on their routine as is possible will be very helpful for a smooth transition.
When the move has occurred the team will follow you and continue to monitor progress for a while. Here in Florida, you have to live together for a minimum of 90 days prior to finalization of the adoption. The team will all have to be in agreement to move forward with finalization. During this time you will meet with your assigned worker to decide on subsidy amount. Most children will qualify for basic subsidy which is decided by the county the child originates from. Children who have special needs, are older or require special services will qualify for enhanced subsidy which your worker will help you decide on.
What if it isn’t a Good Fit?
Sometimes, the match just doesn’t work out. In the event this happens to you, hopefully it is before the adoption is finalized. If you are concerned talk to your worker immediately. It may be something that your family can get help with through therapy. If it just not going to work, you may have to end the match.
In this case, the child will return to foster care. This is an incredibly difficult decision to make. I would encourage you to make a list of “deal breakers” even before you go through any of this process. You can do this during your initial research phase.
I have known parents who have had to disrupt a placement. I have also known children who have been through disruptions. The trauma is immense for all involved. If you have to disrupt a match please, please, please do not go this alone! Call your worker, therapist, counselor, pastor, and whoever else you have in your support system.
You have to make sure this child fits into your world and that you fit into the child’s world. This may be incredibly difficult for so many reasons so make sure you know what you are getting yourself into.
Adoption Day!
It’s finally here! Every family decides how to handle Adoption Day in the way it will best suit the family. We were able to actually finalize on National Adoption Day November 19th! Many places do a big celebration for National Adoption Day. Some agencies also do group adoption days where several families finalize on one day and the agency has a celebration for them. Some families also chose to finalize in a private court hearing. It is completely up to you how to choose to handle your Adoption Day.
In closing I will say again: I am basing all of this on my knowledge of the dependency system, and our personal experiences. Every county and every state is different on how they handle these things so make sure to ASK questions!