So I had that dream again, the one where my life is going as I had planned it. My family life was fun and exciting yet also calm and un-chaotic. My wife and I went on regular date nights. I was pregnant and due soon.
I was doing work I loved and work hardly felt like work at all. I was changing lives, at home, at work. I’d been asked to give a TED talk. I was diligently working on my dreams.
I had so many friends, we had girls’ nights regularly. We chatted about our similar life situations and people loved hearing about our family adventures.
I always made so much time for self-care! Everyone was envious of my ability to balance everything so seamlessly and always asked how I did it all. I always smile and offer excellent advice on how to be a super mom career woman like me.
Life was so great!!
Then I woke up.
This is likely the millionth time I’ve had this dream in some form. Each time life looks and feels exactly as I hoped. Each time I wake up and cry my ever loving eyes out as I face the pain and loss of my reality.
My Reality
I have an incredible wife; I lucked out in that department for sure! (you can read part 1 of our story here…)The hard part is we hardly ever get time for ourselves. We went on a date a few months ago, which was the first in lord knows how long. This only happened because the kids were locked up at the time. One in the crisis unit, the other in jail. It was my wife’s birthday.
I love my children with all my heart. I wouldn’t change our decision to adopt them. I just wish it wasn’t so damn hard all the time. I wish that adopting them didn’t void out the ability to have any other children join our family. I wish their birth parents and the system didn’t fail them so badly that they are so badly traumatized they struggle to live a “normal” life. Our days are long and chaotic. At the end of most of them, I feel as though I’ve failed as a mother.
Work. My career. This is one more thing I’ve had to sacrifice to live my current reality. I’m currently a stay at home mom. If I’m being honest I hate it. (Read more about that here… )
I barely have any friendships. I barely have any self-care. Sometimes I take long showers after everyone goes to bed.
People still ask me how I do it. But in this life, I just shrug and tell them: this is my life and I just make the best of it. Parents of children with special needs know this feeling all too well.
*Nods* I’m also a reluctant domestic diva and mourned the loss of so many aspects of the “norm” life for a long time. Well, I STILL go through grieving periods here and there, and some of them have been pretty dark, I admit.
Life goes on, we go on. It’s what we do.
When did it start to get easier for you?