Today my son came home from jail. My little boy, all 75 pounds of him, just wanted his mommies to snuggle him. He had special time with Mom when they got home from the jail and I came home from work to take over. He lay with me for over an hour just holding on as tightly as he could.
We spoke a little bit about what it was like, why he was there and what he can do to avoid this happening again. He said he was not happy there and that it was sad there. He said the bed was bad and he just wanted his bed in his room.
A New Kind of Normal
Now this may be normal to some of you, just a kid who wants his home and family. To us though, this is earth shattering. My little boy has RAD (reactive attachment disorder). He has struggled through his entire life with so many different caregivers who did not meet his needs that his little brain struggles to trust the world, and all of the people in it. As humans our brains learn attachment and trust in infancy. We cry, someone cares for our needs. At least that is the case for most babies. For far too many babies, no one answers their cries. They cry and cry, trying to communicate a need and no one responds.
Some of you may say that letting them “cry it out” is healthy and in some cases you may be correct. This is when the child is clean and dry, fed, and loved on regularly. That child will know that people love him/her even if they missed the communication this time. With a child who has not learned trust and attachment the child begins to learn something much different: no one will care for you, you are alone in this world. When these children are left to cry their brains start to learn that they will not ever be cared for and they lose the crucial skills in attachment.
Attachment
Many children who end up in the foster care system live these lives. These babies who have birth parents who, even though they may try their best, fail to establish the attachment and trust early on typically have no idea what the effects will be on their child years later.
For my boys these early traumas manifest themselves as behaviors that make them seem “unlovable”. These children need it more than ever. It is when a child seems most unlovable that they need love the most. At some point in their 11 years prior to coming home to us both boys were diagnosed with RAD and still today there is no known cure. Some children never improve. But today, my son knew attachment. He knew family. He knew he had a place in this world where he belonged. A place where he knew he was loved, even when he was acting most unlovable. Today he made an understanding that so many children with RAD never make: “I have a family that loves me, no matter what, no matter where”. And we will continue to love him, and his brother because Nobody Gets Left Behind, or Forgotten.