When the Holidays Hurt.

When I was young, I always dreamed of being a mommy. I couldn’t wait to do all the “mommy stuff” from rocking to sleep and reading bedtime stories to holiday traditions and family game night and basically every “basic” family thing you can imagine. I wanted to enjoy every second of being Mommy. That is just not how it worked out.

Instead I chose to adopt two children who need so much more than I alone can give them. Children that make days so much longer than 24 hours and who make holidays or special occasions impossible to enjoy. If you don’t have children like mine you just don’t get it, please don’t say you do.

Last night I was up long after everyone else was fast asleep setting up an Easter scavenger hunt for the twins. Ten eggs each, with a clue as to where to find the next one leading to a basket with a small stuffed bear and a jump rope. While many of you were so excited about the items you’d packed in your children’s Easter baskets I was trying to think of where to keep the jump ropes they wanted so badly so that they wouldn’t become murder weapons or suicide tools. Some of you may chuckle at the thought or assume I am joking. It’s sad because I’m not kidding. In my world this is a legitimate concern.

Holidays are difficult for alot of kids because of the changes in routine and expectation. For children of trauma this is exacerbated by the fact that for so many years these days were painful, possibly full of worse abuse and neglect than other days. Most of the time we have no way of knowing what these kids went through prior to being in our lives.

Since the twins have been in our lives, around 3 years, we have had so many holidays. I would wager about 1 or 2 went ok, most went badly and the rest went horrible. Some may think “why bother with holidays then?” And trust me I’ve thought the same thing, too many times. So why do I still bother?

Because:

• We all deserve to have fun times.
• Maybe, just maybe this will be the one that goes well.
• Maybe their brains will finally comprehend they are safe and protected and loved.
• This is the Mommy I want to be, I will continue to try to make holidays positive for these kids.

So I will stay up late to hide Easter eggs and move elves and leave notes from holiday characters. I can’t afford to give up hope, it is all I have left most days. I won’t give up on them, no matter how much I hurt, no matter how alone I am in this fight. Because one day it wont hurt so much. One day they will be able to feel safe and on that day I will know in my soul I had done everything in my power to be there for them.

So for today I will sit here on the floor and fight through the hours until bedtime. I will keep us all safe and hope for better days, or even better hours in the day. Shoot at this point, I will take good minutes and hold them tight.