What is RAD?
I cannot even recall a time when this term was not such a huge part of my life. RAD or Reactive Attachment Disorder has changed my life so much more than I knew it could. The first time I heard the term was so many years ago in training for case management. It was a passing term, like so many others and I did not pay it much attention. I focused more on it when we were in PRIDE training preparing for our lives as adoptive parents. It was again mentioned as a thing that we **might** run into in our time as adoptive parents.
Children who experience abuse, neglect or abandonment early in their lives sometimes fail to form positive attachments with their primary caregivers. These children struggle to create appropriate bonds throughout their lives. RAD creates a child who feels he/she has no control over the world and thus forces his/her will upon anyone or anything they feel is in their way. A child with RAD can be a master manipulator, a vicious abuser and as sweet as can be. These children struggle in many areas of their lives but most specifically in any type of relationships.
Our Experience With R.A.D.
Then we got some information on our boys. They had both been diagnosed with RAD. Silly new moms we were, we started thinking about how our love would solve it all. Then we did some research… and we began getting scared. How were we supposed to take these incredibly damaged children and love them through it???
We began looking for things that could work. Anything. Literally anything that would help us survive this and help these tiny kids thrive within our family. I have long been a fan of the theories of Conscious Discipline. We learned quickly we would need more than any single parenting style. So here is what we’ve got:
Our Recipe for Success?
We take one part Conscious Discipline, one part Authoritative Parenting, one part selective Attachment parenting and a ton of figuring things out as we go and we hope for the best! Never forget a huge amount of research and learning as we fail or succeed. We have focused on neuro-plasticity and how we can actually help them restructure their neuro-pathways to allow them to develop safe and appropriate positive pathways to choices.
The process is long and difficult but we have seen success with it in our twins. Honestly the first step is just understanding how the brain comprehends the world. For example if the child is hitting because he/she wants to stay in control. It sounds insane but you will need to give him/her more control of things. This will confuse the heck out of him/her at first but will start to break down the neuro pathway that forces him/her to use hitting to achieve him/her goal.
We give choices for everything to give them the control they desire so much. Catch is we only give choices we want accomplished and they have to be positive. Example: “hey (name) you’ve got to make your bed and put your pjs away before breakfast. Which one would you like to do first?” Most kids will first say “I’m not doing either”. Your roll in that is to stay calm, you can never force or make someone do something they don’t want to do.
“You can never force or make someone do somethingthey don’t want to do”
Let him/her know nothing else will occur until the items are completed. Remind him/her of his/her choices and keep the same tone, don’t raise your voice, do your best to avoid sounding irritated or frustrated. As soon as your mood is changed, control is shifted, which is exactly what you don’t want. Kids with RAD crave control over their adults. Our job as adults is to avoid them winning that control and teach them to make their own safe and appropriate positive choices. You can continue to repeat what the expectation is without changing any tone or emotion. Also reminding that she has complete control over when she gets to move on with her day.
“Kids with RAD crave control over their adults.”
It is incredibly time consuming when you start this process. I cannot stress enough how important it is to stick to it when you start it. Let it become your language. Solidify the phrase in your brain. “Child’s Name, you have a choice!” “You can __ or __ which one would you prefer?” or “which one do you want“. Every situation has a script for it to become a pattern. It will get to a point where he/she will remind you to give her a choice or say “I know I know it’s my choice”. (Lol that’s my favorite) We remind our twins all the time, they control everything. This includes their consequences.
We remind them their actions are what chooses their consequences and make sure to enforce that in every situation. We have a lot of events coming up for Halloween right now around town. When we go, we remind them they did the hard work to ensure they got to go have fun. If they made bad choices, we remind them it was their choices that made it so they did not attend.
Many children when this gets started will be MAD, but that is ok! I know that sounds awful but it’s better for the child to be mad than you! It makes them so mad but remind him/her he/she wanted to be in control but he/she will need to learn how first. But just play stupid about why he/she is mad. Like ask him/her “you seem upset, but I’m not sure why, can you help me understand?”
Before you start this process, tell him/her you have decided he/she is right and he/she should be in control of her life much more. Tell him/her you will start giving him/her choices as often as you can so he/she can be in full control. He/she will love the sound of that. Once he/she realizes you won’t give up he/she will begin to be more willing to comply because he/she asked for it.
Full disclosure this procedure will be harder at first, you will get used to it and so will the child(ren) you are using it with. I can say though, it will make your life sooooo much easier in the long run. Please let me know if you have questions on how to make this work for you!