I am a person who struggles with mental health. Right now I am also in a major dark time. The darkness comes and goes in my life but right now the dark is doing more coming and a lot less going.
When I am in the darkness, I am not a great wife, mother, friend or really anything. I am not a great self. I am grumpy, tired and lonely. I don’t want to get up from bed, complete any tasks, do anything really.
But alas I have requirements. I am a wife, a mother, a mentor, a trusted adult in the eyes of several young people. I am a member of groups, sometimes a boss or employee, a neighbor, a friend and a loved one.
Life in Darkness
These things all require me to move through life even when I’m in the darkest point. I was working in the front yard today, trying to burn the darkness away by being in the sun. My neighbor had the same idea, his goals also seemed to include talking to me. I don’t talk well when I’m dark. I “uh huhed” and “oh yea’d” my way through the conversation and escaped it as soon as I could. I do better alone when I’m dark. But damn its lonely.
I dragged myself out of the house for a meeting tonight. I barely made it out the door, barely sat in the car and barely walked into the room. I sat down at the meeting just long enough to realize there was a seating plan, and I was not in it. I got up, asked what the deal was and moved to an appropriate seat. A woman nearby introduced herself, I had met her last month, of course she didn’t remember having met me. When I’m dark, I’m not very memorable.
This is not the first time nor will it be the last. So how do I get through it? I just keep going. I do every single thing I tell others to do. I let myself sleep when I can, I cry if I need to, I lean on my loved ones and most of all, I write. You all help with that each time you read my posts. Thank you <3
I feel this 100%
I love the way you write. I also love what you said about doing what you tell other people to do. I think that is highly important especially when you are in the field of helping others. You are not just preaching but also doing and to do so in the dark is amazing. I know the feeling all to well but it doesnt stay dark forever and that helps me sometimes.
Thank you! The hardest part of being in a helping profession is walking the walk. Even though I am not currently working I have tiny to full sized humans watching me. I try to speak and write honestly because I know as a young person I figured all adults were full of it because they all seemed to hold it together so well. We as humans need to accept the fact that we are flawed and that is OK. It is up to us to show the next generation it is OK to struggle but NEVER give up!
Seriously. *Nods*
It’s been a couple of hard months in the House of Bubbles and Chaos, as well. I think there’s some bad something in the air; seems most everyone I talk to has been feeling the darkness.
I tend to withdraw from people (or attempt to, rather, I suppose; we don’t really get to completely tap out of peopleing, do we?) when the darkness creeps around. Writing does help, though.
And having good people around to poke and proud you out of your zone.
🙂
The air needs to move on! The withdrawal is the most difficult. I’ve been able to hide a bit easier now that I am not working but the people around are the best cure by far,
you really are a fabulous writter. I hope you fi d the light in the darkness 💜
Thank you ! You all are my light !